As if it weren’t obvious already, Adam Sandler came clean to Jimmy Kimmel last week that he makes sure his movies take place in locales where he wants to vacation. (I first called it back in 2010 with the arrival of Grown Ups.) You can’t blame the guy, really. Heck, if I had his money and stardom, I’d make sure all my movies took place in Tuscany, the South Pacific, or Hawaii, too.

I would make sure that my movies weren’t insipid, idiotic, or borderline offensive, either. But, just as obviously, I’ve learned that’s too much to ask of Mr. Sandler.

In Blended, he re-teams for the third time with Drew Barrymore (The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates), and as hilarious and/or charming as their two prior flicks were, well– Blended is that stupid.

Set in South Africa (for no other reason than because, yes, Sandler always wanted to go there), Blended tells the story of loser-schlub Jim (Sandler), who is widowed with three daughters and is back on the dating scene. After a miserable, failed blind date with cutesy, lovable divorcee Lauren (Barrymore), they way-too-conveniently both end up on a week-long safari vacation at the same place, at the same time. Oh the hijinks that no doubt will ensue, right?

Of course Jim’s daughters are tomboys who need the feminine touch that only Lauren can provide, and Lauren’s sons are non-athletic dweebs who need the manly camaraderie that clearly only Jim can provide. And, duh, Jim and Lauren they are themselves miserable without companionship, so it’s only a matter of time (a long time, as it turns out… Blended incredulously pushes the two-hour mark) before they get together, too.

From start to finish, Blended is little more than a slogging, pre-juvenile mess with jokes even Jay Leno would reject. The writing, courtesy of feature film first-timers (and, heaven willing, last-timers) Ivan Menchell and Clare Sera, is stuffed full of more gender cliches and stereotypes than Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Blended leaves no stone unturned, including the ol’ “man-has-to-go-buy-tampons” bit and the zany “my-ugly-duckling-daughter-is-blooming” bit. I could go on, but frankly, the less I have to keep writing about this piece of idiocy, the better.

To be fair, though, maybe you actually are looking for a movie that uses two humping rhinos for comedy.

1/5 stars